Carmen thought it was all over, her story was all and told, written and read.
She woke up one morning, thoughts of him came into her mind again. She smiled,
her heart happy and she just let her mind go. It was joy in the morning for
her. Sunday morning.
She asked herself if an SMS early in the morning would make him happy, too.
"No, it wasn't early in the morning in Butuan, it was noontime already. Eduard
may be eating his lunch this time", she thought. "Let him finish his meal or he
might have indigestion if you disturb him while eating."
"Okay, I'll make coffee and breakfast so we both will be through, he, his lunch
and me my breakfast", she thought. Time is getting short for her, she has to
dress up for church, she hears mass every Sunday at 10:30 am. She might as well
send SMS after hearing mass.
"Sorry, I'm ten minutes late", while making the sign of the cross with the holy
water. She always included him in her prayers. She really cared for him, HE
knows that, but she always asks if it is wrong to care for him, why it is
impossible to forget him, hope he also thinks of her and cares for her. Keep
him in good health. All these questions as well as pleas, come to her mind in
her prayers. She lit a candle for him and for all whom she ought to pray for.
Walking just a stone's throw from home she meets a friend. She must have looked
troubled or sad, because her friend asked what's wrong. "Huh? Why, I'm fine, I
must hurry home, it looks like raining", Carmen answered. She must have looked
weird, bothered, sad or preoccupied. Everyone does have a bad day some time,
her friend would forgive Carmen for her looks.
She arrived home, kissed her son, her husband as a sign of blessing. Right
after she started her computer and chikka text messenger and wrote: "A blessed
Sunday! I included you in my prayers."
"He might think Mother Teresa is online", she thought jokingly. "I must let him
know that I think of him." She even sent his horoscope for the day, told him
she has still to cook lunch for the family. "And take care." Carmen knew he
won't answer. It was often the case.
"Am I making a fool of myself? We just talked to each other yesterday!" Her
heart jumped with joy as she heard his soft, masculine voice. Eduard made some
jokes again which caused her bouts of laughter. "His playfulness is
unbelievable", she thinks. "What does this guy have which keeps me entangled in
care and affection? Carmen threw these questions softly to the wind.
Another year has passed. Carmen's thoughts won't let him go. She has tried so
many times to just forget everything. There was never a cause to stick and die
for him! There was no intimacy, no embraces, nothing happened which might have
bound them together. She knows he can have his fun anytime, anywhere he wanted
to, she would never know about it. She is so far from him.
But distance may have made Carmen's heart grow fonder.
"I can't live with this pang in my heart", Carmen tells herself over and over
again. She's fears she would become schizophrenic, if this goes on. It won't do
good to her heart, either. Moreover, this preoccupation is unhealthy for her
psyche.
"Woman, you are not born to be a masochist, why do you choose to suffer?" She
remembers a feminist saying this parole.
She has to compensate her emotional turmoil by keeping herself busy, with her
office job, working overtime without pay. She manages household chores, social
contacts with her "ka-chikka-an", bakes, reads, writes and does every known
job. She must be overloaded, if one has to think about the things she does. But
the thought of him haunts her with every single second idleness.
Once she thought of confiding to a very close friend. "You know what, I have a
special friend, he's a nice guy, soft-spoken, gentleman..." She never had the
guts to continue for fear of leakage, or she was just too proud to admit what
she really feels. She tried to tell the same girl friend a second time around
about him but her cowardice made a joke out of it instead.
Her girl friend dared to ask once, "Carmen, how's your friend?"
"I have lots of friends, who do you mean?", she answered superficially. Her
girl friend may have a faint idea about her dilemna, but no, she must not learn
about the complexity of the whole story. She may judge her as playing second
fiddle, a coquette or something which would bruise her reputation. She is known
for her rationality and admired for her harmonious family.
All these expectations and moral conciousness make her sick oftentimes, her
individual freedom cries for something she and her heart alone long for.
Individual freedom, if there is such liberty like that. This must be an
extraordinary discovery in the field of human relationships, but up to present
date, still taboo especially for us Filipino women. "Labi na ra ba hong mga
Butuanon (especially for Butuanons)", she thought.
Carmen may be accultured in some of her ideas, decision-making and life.s
outlook, but the Filipino idea of womanhood has remained traditionally
monumental though antiquated to her.
"There must be some truth about Sartre's idea about man being damned to
freedom", she thinks philosophically. This thought didn't help her further to
reconcile her foolish heart.
"Make him an inspiration instead of a desperation", her reason tells her. But
her heart is getting weary.
"Eduard, before you go, please stay for a moment, a second, a minute, an hour
or longer... "
Carmen feels her heart beat triumphantly.
