At this very moment what Carmen feels is not mere nostalgia nor is the day so
gloomy to lead her to a melancholy train of thought. Just being this moment
revived a long lost friendship, camaradeship or the like which sooner or later
lambasted her vulnerability.
Strange...She never entertains such sentimental thoughts of longing and
fondness! The rule of conduct tells her that it is morally unbecoming for a
matured woman who is happily married to think this way.
"Hmm, just for friendship's sake, in two-week time I'll be back home, in my old
familiar environment", was Carmen's second thought.
"Sus, Carmen, sadto ako ang gahangad kanimo, doon ikaw na ang mohangad kanako"
(Carmen, I used to look up to you, now you'll look up to me).
She just let this remark pass from one ear to the other. Her jet lag made her a
little bit groggy. But this phrase was instilled in her subconcious and much
later made her wonder. "Huh, why did Eduardo Paterno say that? What did he mean
by look up? Admiration or was I his idol? Ah, ngan bay ako (I don't care),
humbug", she thought.
It was a death in the family which brought them together again.
The gallantry of a gentleman may have overwhelmed her. He's still the same
soft-spoken, good-mannered guy with scintillating eyes and kissable lips (!).
Its traces could still be seen, as Carmen looks back to their years in the
grade school.
What is fifteen years of childhood memories in Butuan compared to over
thirty-five years of pursuing dreams in distant shores?
Balitaw (True), but Carmen's dreams remained in Butuan...
Perhaps it was a mistake to nurse such wishful thinking and let nourish into
more than just a passing fancy. The faint hope or presumption that a mutual
understanding existed without explicitly talking about it was kept a secret.
Did she once hear him sing "you'll never know how much I really love you?" Or
was she just hallucinating? Maybe that wasn't meant for her!
The weakness of human thinking blinded by emotional illusions may have created
this turning point in her life. But the thought of him was inspiring, if she
has to be honest with herself. It lifted her spirits. An ounce of psychological
boost made her feel good.
The fact was, he was always there, always near the whole time until her
departure. He even escorted her to the church, to a shopping spree and finally
to the airport for departure. "Take care", were his last words...
Nevertheless the strong feeling that they both share the same beliefs, doubts
and all the things that went with them, comforted Carmen. Surely, the thought
of Eduard and the frequent SMS sent: "Hello, take care, dream of me" built a
silent gazebo full of sweet dreams and quiet breathing as the days and months
rolled on.
For a little while she thought this won't ever happen after all the years of
living far away from home, a good functioning family, security and
self-confidence. How come it happened seem unlikely if not impossible. But it
did happen. Was she going out of her head over him? "It should be the other way
around", she wished. Carmen's world seems turned upside down.
Maybe it was a force of circumstance that brought them together again.
Preparations for the alumni-homecoming was the overwhelming topic that time. In
her case, something more special than just as classmates or friends, other than
a friendly persuasion seemed to confuse her. So sad that she can only speak for
herself.
What he feels remain doubtful to her for she heard Eduardo Paterno lives a
turbulent lifestyle. She tried to remain unbiased and rational in her attitude
towards him. His acquired toughness, playfulness and everybody's-darling
approach to the opposite sex, irritate her and make her wonder if he is ever
capable of being true to just one.
She forces herself to turn her head in the other direction everytime she
catches him so close and sweet to the ladies around him. Suffocating, she
thinks. What does he want to prove?
"Palikero (Casannova)...go ahead with your antics I won't care", Carmen
indulges in sour-graping when confronted with such scenes.
Carmen sees in Eduard a survivor of life's struggles. She recognizes this
everytime she catches him in one of his pensive moods - sober look with almost
fierce eyes. Once he related his life's story to her voluntarily. She was all
ears, listening without raising a single question nor comment.
Not later Carmen asked herself, "Ka ilo isab (what a pity), what has life done
to this once shy, good-mannered, smiling guy?" She wished secretly he would
return to his nature someday if not now.
The much awaited next time has come. Eduard came to fetch her at the airport
and managed the boat trip to Nasipit and further transportation to Butuan. His
kindness conquered her thoughts again. What would happen if she surrenders
herself to this kindness? Disturbed by the risks mixed with feelings of joy,
Carmen had to admonish herself: "Remain friendly, firm and detached. You are
here to celebrate your alumni homecoming and not to get carried by your
emotions."
What a cruel world! The consistency of conventions, rule of conduct, morals,
ethics, what more (?) beleaguered and tortured her. Is this what it is like in
prison? Dios mio, there seems to be no way out...
There was no chance to talk about sentiments, all business-like treatment,
everything must be perfect for the celebrations. Practice, practice, practice,
no time for emotions. All for the common good. Okay, Carmen has to participate
and cooperate or she won't be accepted by the group. She'll be disqualifying
herself from the game. After all this was the primary reason for coming home,
she thought, again rationalizing her down-heartedness.
The 40th grand alumni homecoming of their class was celebrated with pomp and
uniqueness. It was highlighted by an uncomparable gala night with all the
Hollywood-like effects. Among the honoured guests were their former teachers in
the highschool and a few Balikbayans. The ladies of their class came in
ruby-colored long gowns and fresh flower brooches, the men in barong tagalog,
the official national costume for Filipinos. The songs Seasons and Tonight, a
Cotillion, Pakulo, awarding of prizes, enlivend the gala night.
After the dinner and short programme, their class participants danced all night
as the live band played. "Well, I think I'm going out of my head, over you..."
was the first piece played by the band. How she wished she were his first
dance! But no, she wasn't.
After the successful homecoming activities were over, Carmen left with a
half-broken heart. It was the first time in her life to cry over an hour inside
the church, pouring out her hurt feelings of abandonment, coldness and
betrayal. She left the church after her prayers dried out the last tear in her
eyes.
There was no turning back. Carmen left for abroad before the dawn broke...
Much uncertainty, doubt and helplessness wavered all the days, months and
Carmen fears it may even last longer. If fate would not conspire to shatter the
sad scheme of things and remould it to her heart`s desire, she has to grin and
bear it. If there's such a thing as soul mate, she has to accept this
compromise and leave it to that.
One thing is made clear to her, playing games with one's heart can be hurting
at the end. One has to understand the rules of the game.
But no, she wasn't a victim of foul play, rather a partner-in-crime. She has to
live with it and take this experience as an emotional escapade, personal crisis
or a passing fancy, it may be. "Mo labay ra iyan" (that will pass), Eduard told
her plainly. Yes, all things are passing, no question about it.
What it really was, is and may still be, is kept deep in Carmen's heart and she
alone knows what it meant to her, when to give up and how to cope with it. All
these memories are kept in her heart like hidden treasure. In her mind, they
will stay till memory lend them light no more.
She is resolved to close this chapter in her life and hand it over for time to
heal. She has to leave it behind for it seems it wasn't hers to keep. Surely,
many questions are still left unanswered though the answers are a few. If it
has to end now, there may be another place, another time, to give it life
again, if it is meant to be. Only then.
